so very, very true.
IN RAINBOWS IS NOT THE BEST RADIOHEAD ALBUM YOU WEIRD LITTLE HIPSTER SHIT. STOP TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT AND GO BUY SOME SHOES THAT FIT.
He’s right, Danny. There’s an mild argument to be made for Kid A even though OK Computer is clearly the correct and logical choice, so you’re just being a dick.
i always wonder what keanu reeves is up to. to me, he’s the most interesting man in the world.
I WONDER WHAT KEANU REEVES IS DOING RIGHT NOW.
i’ve been there.
HI GUYS. I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE. LISA LOEB’S ‘STAY’ CAME UP ON SHUFFLE AND I HAD TO SING ALONG TO IT 243 TIMES ON REPEAT. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
SO, JOGGING, HUH? LET’S DO THIS.
Sir, have you been drinking?
WHAT AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, OFFICER, AND I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ASKING IT. I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE HIGHWAY COMMISSION FOR INSTALLING THIS FINE ROAD.
Yes, they … did a wonderful job. Can I see your license and registration, please?
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. I COULD GET THEM OUT AND SHOW THEM TO YOU. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
What? Yes. That’s what I just- You know what, nevermind. Can you just step out of the car for me, sir?
OF COURSE I CAN STEP OUT OF THE CAR. I’VE BEEN STEPPING OUT OF CARS FOR YEARS. I HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE FIVE POINT PLAN FOR STEPPING OUT OF THIS CAR, THE DETAILS OF WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON MY WEBSITE. GIVE IT A LOOK.
Okay, sir, I am going to need you to get the hell out of the car, license and registration in hand, now, and take a sobriety test.
HEY, LOOK, OFFICER … ATTACKING ME, MAKING THIS ABOUT ME, IS NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THE ATROCIOUS DRIVING CONDITIONS THAT AFFECT SO MANY CITIZENS OF THIS FINE NATION, ESPECIALLY UNDER THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION. DON’T MAKE SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT INTO A PETTY PERSONAL ATTACK.
Are you getting out of the car?
I STAND BY MY RECORD OF GETTING OUT OF CARS. YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN I WAS IN SKOKIE, ILLIINOIS. I MET THIS YOUNG MAN BY THE NAME OF PETER AND HE SAID TO ME-
God damn it. Have you been Romneying me this entire time?
WELL … YES. BUT TO BE FAIR I THINK I DESERVE QUITE A BIT OF CREDIT FOR DOING IT SO WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH I’VE HAD TO DRINK.
I CAN’T BLOG WITH THESE DAMNED FINS AND COMPUTERS DON’T WORK UNDERWATER.
I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS INSIDE OF ME!
SHAAAAAAAAARK TEEEEEEEEARS.
*sigh* i miss having a dog :(
WELCOME HOME. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE IN A BAD MOOD FROM WORKING SO HARD SO I CREATED MANY FUN SURPRISES FOR YOU ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
SEVERAL SURPRISES WERE MADE INSIDE MY OWN BODY, WHICH IS VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART, SPATIALLY.
SEVERAL OTHERS ARE ART PROJECTS I MADE USING SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE YOUR TRASH, THE FLAVORLESS MARSHMALLOW STUFF INSIDE THE COUCH, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE PANTRY.
THANK YOU FOR NOT SHUTTING THE PANTRY DOOR, BY THE WAY. THERE WERE SO MANY USEFUL ART SUPPLIES IN THERE.
GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.
I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password.
CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?
That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.
That’s what I’ve been saying.
this is me every time i see a roach. normally, i’m not a girly-girl, running and screaming at every little critter that crosses my path but roaches are just THE WORST. and i hate them and they all need to die immediately and never be near me ever ever ever.
IS IT GONE?
I DON’T KNOW. I CAN’T TELL.
DAMN IT.
I’LL STAY UP HERE ALL NIGHT. I MEAN IT.
I’LL LIVE HERE. I WILL MAKE A HOME RIGHT WHERE I’M STANDING.
EVERY TIME THE GRASS MOVES I THROW UP A LITTLE.
I THINK I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW.
I’M NEVER GOING BACK DOWN THERE.
I’M FINE FOREVER, RIGHT WHERE I’M AT.
i know all these songs and remember a good portion of the words to them. am i old yet?
WHAT’S GOING ON? WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US? WHAT’S WITH THESE HOMIES DISSING MY GIRL? WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? WOULD SHE GO DOWN ON YOU IN A THEATER? WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH? CAN YOU HELP ME REMEMBER HOW TO SMILE? MAKE IT SOMEHOW ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE? WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE? HUH? TELL ME!
DAMN IT, FREDDIE, YOU’RE HAVING ANOTHER INTERROGATIVE ‘90S EPISODE! SNAP OUT OF IT! IT’S NOT REAL! IT’S JUST- IT’S IN YOUR HEAD!
… IN MY HEAD?
IT’S IN YOUR HE-E-E-E-EEEEAD! IN YOUR HE-E-E-EAD! ZO-OM-BIE! ZO-OM-BIE!
ZO-OM-BEH-EH-EH!
i don’t think this adorable puppy realizes all 7 seasons are on netflix and i’m already on the couch in my pajamas.
WHILE I RESPECT YOUR DESIRE TO SIT AT HOME AND WATCH ALL SEVEN SEASONS OF BUFFY, AGAIN, FOR THE FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR, I REALLY WISH YOU’D COME TO THE BAR WITH ME AND MEET SOME HUNKY DUDES.
OH, UM … GREETINGS, TRAVELER. I SEE YOU’VE RETURNED FROM THE VALLEY OF GROCERIES. I WAS JUST TAKING A STROLL UPON THE WHITE ROAD. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT RUNS FROM THE KINGDOM OF FLUSHES TO THE RUGWOOD.
IT’S A VERY NEW ROAD, MAYBE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF IT.
I CAN SEE YOU’RE IN A HURRY. PERHAPS I’LL JUST DART OFF UNDERNEATH COUCH MOUNTAIN FOR A BIT UNTIL THE STORM IN YOUR EYES HAS PASSED.
YES. YES I THINK THAT’S BEST.
nothing explains it better why i always carry my bag with me everywhere i go.
NO MERCY! IS THAT CLEAR? NO REPRIEVE! YOU RETURN TO THE HIVE WITH BLOOD ON YOUR MANDIBLES OR YOU DON’T RETURN AT ALL! CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF- WENDY, DID YOU BRING YOUR PURSE?
I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PURSE. IT HAS ALL MY STUFF IN IT.
… WE’RE AT WAR.
AND IF YOU WANT SOME GUM DURING THE WAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT, HUH? WHAT ABOUT IDENTIFICATION? DO YOU HAVE ANY? I DO. IT’S IN MY PURSE.
sometimes i feel like this too.
I AM SO TIRED.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. I AM LITERALLY JUST EXHAUSTED, YOU KNOW?
WORN RIGHT OUT.
POOPED. THAT’S WHAT I AM. JUST PLAIN POOPED.
I MUST HAVE LOOKED AT A HUNDRED THOUSAND AVENGERS GIFS IN THE LAST HOUR.
OH MY GOD, I KNOW. I CAN’T EVEN COUNT THE NUMBER OF GOTYE REMIXES I LISTENED TO TODAY.
THE INTERNET IS HARD.
IT TAKES SOMETHING OUT OF YOU. IT REALLY DOES.
